Phantasm (1979)

Phantasm is a 1979 low-budget horror film written, directed, photographed, edited, aaaaand produced by Don Coscarelli. Following the death of his friend Tommy (stabbed by a bare-breasted vixen that transforms into an elderly man), musician-playboy Jody (sporting a look one part Han Solo and one part David Hasselhoff), returns to his small hometown, only to be drawn into a surrealistic nightmare AND WICKED BAD VIBES. After witnessing Tommy's casket being abducted by a spooky undertaker (the "Tall Man"), Jody's younger brother Mike consults with the local crazy lady/ mind-reader (you know she's crazy because she has a BLACK STAR tattooed in between her eyes), who confirms his suspicions that something fishy is indeed going on. Mike and Jody, as well as their ice-cream salesman friend Reggie (also a member of Jody's pick-up jam band), spend the rest of the movie hunted by dismembered fingers, be-cloaked dwarves, a wicked chrome sphere armed with what appear to be razor sharp pickle prongs, and the aforementioned "Tall Man." Turns out The Tall Man, under his guise as Undertaker, is stealing corpses from the funeral home and transforming them into the aforementioned dwarves through the use of a portal into a parallel universe (natch).  This parallel universe has like mega heavy gravity that crushes these former corpses into dwarves (makes sense). No idea why they wear cloaks though (maybe because cloaks are cool, Ted?). Mike and Jody finally lure The Tall Man into the town's token abandoned mine shaft, and SEND HIM TO HELL WHERE HE BELONGS. However, just when you think you can take a breath, the entire film that you just like watched is revealed to be NOTHING MORE THAN A DREAM. Or is it... The final "chill" is provided when Mike, packing a rucksack to go on a deadly road trip with Reggie (doesn't this kid have to go to school?), is snatched by the Tall Man, who pulls him through a mirror. The end. SPOOKY.

Phantasm is a masterpiece of stupidity, like the greatest movie Mark Borchardt never made. The acting is gloriously hambone, yet earnest enough to be endearing; you feel that Don Coscarelli really thought he was making the greatest movie ever made. And maybe he did... Operating with a kind of bizarre dream-logic (partially, it seems, due to a radical re-edit after the disastrous initial screening), Phantasm is Hellraiser's kind of clueless, but really enthusiastic younger brother. Genuine thrills are to be had, particularly when the metal sphere drills an oil derrick in the middle of some dude's head (see above image). The odd Greek sauna decor of the funeral home provides a unique and coldly chilling setting, as does the odd "portal" room, a blinding white edifice lined with stacks of ominous black barrels (housing the dwarves, pre-portal travel, natch). Phantasm is nothing if not inspired and, despite being made for a paltry $300,000, looks like a much more professional grade film. Coscarelli clearly knew his way around a ring focus and the inspired photography goes a long way towards making this film enjoyable. Even the performances, though amateurish, are charming for their commitment. All the "actors" receive A's for effort, particularly Michael Baldwin who delivers a star turn as the industrious, effete younger brother.

It is not hard to see why Phantasm spawned a trio of sequels, as it is the kind of bizarre, un-self-conscious film that can be such a treat of the B-horror genre. Phantasm is also a noteworthy example of the power of failure, as it's abstruse editing, likely created more through panic than narrative intent, transform what could have been a more straightforward (I don't think this film ever could have been too straightforward) into a Delpic dreamscape of terror. Causality? Linearity? Who needs em? I'll take gushing blood holes in people's foreheads and dwarf hell any day.